By Emmanuel M.
Finn Dearhart is a sex and intimacy coach who has dedicated his life to helping gay men improve intimacy and address the deep suffering many experience due to their sexuality. His work focuses on reconciling the two parts of the split between public and private selves He calls the hidden self the ‘Shadow’:
The shadow is what we put in our unconscious mind, something we don’t know about, something we put in a little box because we are ashamed of it, or even something we love but has brought a lot of pain in our lives that we decided to have tuck it away. If unaddressed, the shadow has the power to inform/influence our relationships and everyday lives in a deep way and in most cases lead to ongoing suffering that people usually try to numb with excessive sex, drugs and alcohol among other coping methods.
Deerhart further explains the importance of identifying one’s shadow, how to identify it and what to do to live an authentic life.
The importance of identifying shadows.
As someone who was in the closet, a preacher, married to a woman and had a lot of sex wit other men, Finn Deerhart knows too well the challenges and suffering related to the shadow. Just like any other gay guy, coming out was not enough, the suffering was still there and he did what he had to do to numb it: ‘going to clubs and parties and other different gay spaces where he could make sure he did not feel the vulnerability around sex. He realised he “could not fully open up and connect emotionally despite all the sex in the world”. He then realised the importance of reconciling the two parts of the split.
It is important to identify the shadow and pay attention to what goes on in our unconscious selves. This helps us understand why we feel what we feel. There is a profound lack of understanding of our own bodies and many gay men grow up being very vigilant to stay safe, in the process they lose touch with their bodies as no one granted them the permission to enjoy them freely.
But how does one identify this shadow?
To unpack this, one needs to be vulnerable, yet as Deerhart puts it: “Digging in one’s inner self is scary and men are terrified of being scared.”
One has to be curious and ready, and pay attention to things that hurt. A good place to start is look at one’s life and ask questions such as ‘why do I always date the same kind of guys with whom things never work?’; ‘why can’t I share my eccentric sexual desires with my sweet partner, and need to go to special clubs or use substances to access that place?’; ‘why do I feel the way I feel about saying or doing what I did’… I feel anxiety, because of XYZ that is a good entry point. Some people have issues staying present during sex, and simply fantasize. Others lose their hard-ons and wonder why… the reason is that a lot is going on in the background!
Whilst acknowledging the importance of professional guidance for best results. Deerhart proposes two exercises to get to the bottom of things:
1. The bathroom exercise
The bathroom is a physical space that is imbued with the idea of privacy. You go in there and write down all the thoughts that crossed your mind with no editing, then after some time read the record to see what you project to the outside world. This helps you have a glimpse of what is going on within yourself.
2. Tracking one’s fantasies –
Journal fantasies, even taboo and uncomfortable ones while fighting the urge to edit them and keep them in a private place. Those with a visual memory can write down all the porn shots that stand out for them. Then select one of the fantasies and write it in detail. Then underline key words or words that are significant. On top of these write themes that come to your mind without thinking too much: Eg: On top of the ‘fireman’ scene in porn you can write ‘hero’. Then read the new themes together. Sometimes it does not make sense but in most cases some themes emerge: eg: I want transgression, I want protection, power, being forced, rebelling, etc. These are the things that indicate what you are after each time you look for intimacy.
How does one deal with the shadow?
After unpacking one’s shadow the actual work starts and it all starts with an honest inquiry:
“How do we take these enjoyable and raw experiences of sexuality that are forged in secrecy, shame and cover up, and bring them in our sense of presence? By integrating these into our life we unlock a tremendous sense of personal power, as we are no longer repressing or hiding things or need drugs or alcohol to enjoy them. Only then can we have compassion for ourselves and others and live an authentic life. This work brought my life back as I used it as a lens to understand my emotional needs and devise a plan to meet them.
Deerhart thinks intergenerational discussion and mentorship between gay men would do a lot of good but at certain conditions:
Conundrum of intergenerational gay mentorship
There is a multifaceted problem that needs to be addressed before older gay men can successfully mentor younger ones. Beauty and youth are on the alter in many gay circles and older gay, who often never learned to process their own tremendous pain, tend to cling to youth and beauty instead of being in their power as elders. Younger gays seldom look up to older gays for advice, some only relate to them in a fetish situation. As a community we need to let go of our bodies in order to have a fruitful intergenerational conversation.